Burning birthday party questions

Illustrations by Amy Chapman

Q My daughter wants to have a picnic party. The problem: Her birthday’s in January. Is there an indoor space in NYC that feels like the outdoors—and throws parties?

A There’s no grass at these venues, but there are no ants either!

City Treehouse With a stream table, a two-story tree house adorned with hanging plants, and a fiber-optic starlight cave, the City Treehouse is as close as you can get to nature and still have central heating. Rent the space for two hours (15 kids max) for $1,200 on weekends or $600 on weekdays. 129A W 20th St between Sixth and Seventh Aves (212-255-2050, citytreehouse.com)

The Party Jungle The tropical decor here will satisfy kids’ craving to play barefoot in the great outdoors. Invite 15 kids for two hours for $299 in the Giraffe room, or $375 in the Monkey room. Face painting, temporary tattoos, games with prizes, pizza, popcorn and drinks included. 630 Sharrotts Rd off Arthur Kill Rd, Staten Island (718-605-0000, thepartyjungle.com)

Playgarden This space is totally green—stocked with recycled playground equipment and organic materials, and cleaned with earth-friendly products. It has an enviable amount of natural light, so partyers can pretend that it’s summer and they’re hanging in the park. But the illusion comes at a price: $1,500 allows 15 kids the use of the space for 90 minutes. Invites, pizza, cupcakes for the kids and a small cake for the family are included. 95 Franklin St at Church St (212-965-9717, playgardennyc.com)

Brooklyn Botanic Garden BBG welcomes drop-in groups of up to ten kids year-round for casual celebratory outings and workshops. Head to the heated, glass-enclosed Steinhardt Conservatory, where carts are stocked with games, puzzles, art supplies and more. Free with admission. Go to bbg.org for workshop schedule.

Q Are handwritten, snail-mail thank-you notes still necessary? Or is an e-mail acceptable?

A Now that e-mailed invitations have become de rigueur, the next frontier in event etiquette is the thank-you note. While your mom’s best friend may scoff at a digital note of gratitude for the personalized storybook she sent your son, the rules are changing. E-mailing your thank-you’s saves money, paper, fossil fuel, etc. No matter how much you think you enjoy a handwritten note, it’s just plain better for the environment to send the thought electronically. In fact, I think this is an opportunity to make thank-you notes even more meaningful; use the time you save addressing envelopes and massaging your cramped hand to really personalize your note. You could even attach a party photo that includes your child’s friend. Pingg.com offers free e-mail thank-you notes (as well as invites, save-the-dates and event reminders) with cute illustrations, including a line developed exclusively for Time Out Kids. 

Q At what age should a child begin writing his own thank-you notes?

A As soon as he can read and write. But even before then, you can involve your kid: Sit down with him and ask what he especially likes about each gift and if he has any special message for the friend who gave it to him. You can start off each note with “Dear Susie, Billy wants you to know that: [insert message from Billy here]” and end it with a simple “Thank you so much!” You can also write the notes Zagat-style, with key adjectives and descriptions in quotations. Think: “Billy loves the ‘cool cool cool’ monster truck you gave him, and especially appreciates that you chose the ‘vomit green’ color—it’s his favorite. He hopes you can come over and play the ‘crazy car crash game’ with him soon.”

Remind kids to thank their friends for attending the party, too, so that the emphasis is not just on the gift, but on sharing in the celebration. If you’re doing snail-mail cards, preliterate kids can scribble or draw on one side to personalize the note.

Q One of my child’s friends is allergic to everything—well, not everything, but a ton of stuff. Should I edit the whole menu to suit his dietary needs (gluten-free cupcakes, etc.) or just get him a “special” snack?

A You certainly don’t need to edit your whole menu for one kid. It would be nice to provide him with a special snack, especially if he’s a close bud of your child’s, but no one would expect you to. These days, most parents are conscious about peanuts and nut-based ingredients, and it’s always considerate to offer at least one meatless option for vegetarians. Beyond that, serve whatever you think will make the birthday boy or girl and the majority of the partygoers happy. After all, everyone has some sort of dietary need—whether they’re watching their weight and avoiding high-fat foods, they don’t eat pork, they keep kosher or, like me, they get the dry heaves when they smell celery—and they know to keep that in mind when they attend a party. If a child has special needs, his parents will bring their own snacks for him.

However, if the majority of the tykes at your party do have varied allergies (and this situation is increasingly common), then you should do your best to accommodate them. Try the way-better-than-they-sound vegan, kosher and gluten-, wheat-, soy-, egg- and casein-free goodies from Babycakes (212-677-5047, babycakesnyc.com). The bakery delivers by messenger in Manhattan and by FedEx to the other boroughs. Check out our roundup of other allergen-free sweet spots.

Q All of my daughter’s friends had big birthday bashes; we’re just planning on a gathering in the park. Now my kid’s screaming that she wants a “real” party. Any ideas?

A Throw a throwback bash Invite her friends to join you at an old-fashioned soda fountain joint near you. Order all the girls a malted and a sundae with a candle in it, sing “Happy Birthday,” and play “telephone” around the tables. Voilà—a retro-cool, cheap celebration. A few soda spots we like:

Eddie’s Sweet Shop 105-29 Metropolitan Ave between 72nd Ave and 72nd Rd, Forest Hills, Queens (718-520-8514)

The Soda Shop 125 Chambers St at West Broadway (212-571-1100, sodashopnewyork.com)

Hinsch’s Confectionery 8518 Fifth Ave between 85th and 86th Sts, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn (718-748-3412)

Host a pop-star party All you need is a karaoke machine, some sparkling white grape juice in plastic champagne flutes, and prizes for funny, Grammy-ish awards like “Silliest Sing-along” or “Most Daring Duet” or “Cheesiest Performance.” If you already have a PlayStation, buy the SingStar game (about $30).

Play Willy Wonka Show a screening of the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory then lay out a buffet of sweet treats (Marshmallow Fluff, licorice sticks, M&Ms, icing, sugar cookies, chocolate chips, etc.) and let the kids create the next best thing to the Everlasting Gobstopper.

Q I’m bringing my son to a party for two-year-old twins. Do we have to give each of them a gift, or just one since he’s one guest?

A Depends on the age. If it’s a first, second or third birthday party, you can definitely get away with a single gift (twins’ parents don’t expect more than one present per guest when they throw a joint party). But as the siblings get older and more cognizant of whose stuff is whose, it’s better to get two gifts. Otherwise, their parents will curse you when the twins are having a death match over the one DS game you gave them. But this doesn’t mean you have to spend double. You can split however much money you’d usually lay out for one gift into two. Get them each a Thomas and Friends train car, for example, instead of an Automoblox vehicle.

Giving different versions of the same thing is a great idea for twins, in general. A Playmobil fire truck for one twin and a Playmobil helicopter for the other. Or a Calico Critter bedroom set for one and a playground set for the other. A Hotel for Dogs DVD for one and a Bedtime Stories DVD for the other. You get the idea. This prevents the “your present is bigger/better/cooler than mine!” fight that can erupt when you give them two completely different gifts. The exception: Older boys and girls (age 8 and up) may appreciate individualized gifts that reflect their personal interests.

Q Most of our friends don’t have kids, but we want them to feel comfortable attending our son’s birthday party. Can you recommend a venue that will please both children and adults?

A You don’t need a special venue; you just need alcohol. If you provide beer, your nonparent friends will come (and your parent friends will even stay past the cake). But if you really want to go the extra mile, choose one of these all-ages party places:

Mars 2112 It’s kitschy and campy and awful and wonderful, all at the same time. Your friends without kids have been looking for an excuse to visit. Give them one with a Martian Party Package: $19 per child gets you a party host, a Martian meet-and-greet, balloons, food, cake and a $5 Cyberstreet Game Card for each child. 1633 Broadway at 51st St (212-582-2112, mars2112.com)

Bowlmor For $35 per child, the kids get two hours of unlimited bowling, shoe rental, food and drinks, and all paper goods. And for an additional $249, up to six adults can claim the lanes next to the tots, enjoy crudités, chips, salsa and nonalcoholic drinks (booze is extra). 110 University Pl between 12th and 13th Sts (212-255-8188, bowlmor.com)

Dave and Buster’s It’s on when your seven-year-old son can challenge your 37-year-old coworker to a Dance Dance Revolution–off and you have no idea who will win. Choose the Party & Play Combo: Before 3pm, $27 per guest (kids and adults alike; 20-guest minimum) buys you the choice of one of three buffets and a $10 game card for everyone. After 3pm the price goes up to $30, but the buffet is buffer and the game card is worth $15. 234 W 42nd St between Seventh and Eighth Aves (646-495-2015, daveand busters.com)

Two Boots Brooklyn Everyone likes pizza, right? Especially if it’s good pizza, which it is at this Park Slope outpost. They host kids’ parties here that include chef’s-hat decorating and pizza making, but you can throw a plain old pizza party, starting at $18 a head, that all ages will love. 514 2nd St between Seventh and Eighth Aves, Park Slope, Brooklyn (718-499-3253, twobootsbrooklyn.com)

Q Goody bags are usually full of cheap, disposable items—is there anything more meaningful or lasting (yet inexpensive) that I can give out instead?

A Okay, can we end the Great Goody-Bag Debate right here? I know I promoted the earth-friendliness of e-mailed thank-you cards above, but I’m not ready to deny kids (or parents, frankly) the pleasure of opening up a surprise bag of useless plastic trinkets. My kids still stomp around the house blowing on cheap whistles and kazoos they got as favors at a party six months ago. Sometimes it’s those random little doodads that fascinate kids most (as opposed to the classy wooden toys that we adults think reflect well on us as parents). At least in my home, then, that crap doesn’t go to waste. Are goody bags cheesy, a sign of American overconsumption, the blatant materialization of a special event, and a possible contribution to your household levels of phthalates, PCBs and BPA? Well, yes. But wasteful? Not always.

Anyway, who says eco-friendly favors can’t be fun? Try planting seedlings in biodegradable cups ($4 for six at plumparty.com) and challenge kids to grow the tallest plant (have them e-mail photos one month hence). Or hand out small tubs of natural undyed play dough ($2.95 each at kidbean.com). More ideas: organic orange-sherbet lip balm, scented recycled-newspaper pencils or hand-knit finger puppets ($2.50, $1.75, $2.60 each, respectively, at greenpartygoods.com).

Of course, you could put the kibosh on favors altogether. Stuff kids with enough cake, ice cream and boxed juice, and they’ll be too hopped up to notice they’re leaving empty-handed. Just don’t hate on goody bags and the parents who love to stuff them with stickers, temporary tattoos, bouncy balls and Silly Putty.

Q We’re planning a rather expensive bash, and need to cap the guest list at 15. If we invite everyone in my son’s class, we won’t have room for his nonschool friends. Is it okay for us to pick and choose which classmates we invite? Is there a maximum percentage of classmates you can invite before you must invite them all?

A You can trim down the class list by half without offending anyone if you invite only the girls, or only the boys (and then hope that a quarter of those folks won’t be able to make it!). If your child has three or so close friends with whom he wants to celebrate, talk to the teacher to see if she thinks any other kids in particular will feel hurt by being left out of his inner circle. Then ask your child if it’s okay to invite that extra child or two. Otherwise, it’s not worth dealing with the hurt feelings that picking and choosing from the class list can cause.

Q Some parents are writing “No gifts” on invitations and asking guests to donate to charities. I feel greedy not following suit, but my child is expecting gifts, and I want him to enjoy them. Also, I like for my son to choose gifts for his classmates because it teaches him to think compassionately about his friends. Can we still bring a gift even if they say “no gifts”?

A Just as you get to choose what kind of theme your party will have, what food you will serve and whom you will invite, the “gifts or no gifts” decision is entirely up to you. Offering gifts at parties and events is a time-honored social custom that at once thanks the host for the invitation, celebrates the special occasion, honors the friendship you enjoy with the celebrant and, historically, allows the community to help individuals attain possessions they need as they pass certain life milestones. While you may not need another Lego set, the other (beautiful, in my opinion) aspects of gift giving still apply. So don’t feel bad for encouraging presents. Try not to focus on them: Don’t cut off a friend who neglects to come with a new toy, for example, or look up prices online to see who spent the most—you know who you are! But let yourself and your child enjoy them. After all, doesn’t anyone remember the dire, Mommy Dearest consequences of making a child forgo birthday booty?

At the same time, respect others’ Joan Crawford–ish no-gifts policies (I’m kidding!). In New York, most of us don’t have the space for all the junk our kids already own. And since it would be gauche—darn!—to specify “small but tasteful gifts only, please” or “cash gifts appreciated,” some folks just say no to presents altogether. Other parents feel bad making their friends shell out cash, especially in such tough times, or would rather see the money go to a worthier cause. And yeah, yeah, some parents are trying to teach their children lessons about charity and the evils of greed and whatnot. I happen to think charity begins at home, and what better way to demonstrate how good it feels to give and receive than with tangible, thoughtfully chosen offerings from friends? But whatever. Humor them, and bring a dessert they can serve at the party instead.

Illustrations by Amy Chapman

Q I know some parents have banned competitive games where one child wins (pin the tail on the donkey, hot potato) because these hurt other children’s feelings. I think it’s totally ridiculous. In fact, it makes me want to come up with special cutthroat competitions for our party: cage fights! Money grabs!

A Cage fights sound fun, but I prefer games that benefit me. Like, “Whoever can clean the most dishes is the only one to win my unconditional love,” or “Mildew-scrubbing races,” or my favorite, “Rub my feet if you want cake.”

In all seriousness, though, I do think party games should be chosen self-servingly. We all want the day to go as smoothly as possible, right? So if a parent suspects that little Banjo is going to freak out when he winds up holding the hot potato, necessitating time-outs, bribes and phone calls to his parents, the kids shouldn’t play it. It’s the hosts’ party—I don’t blame them if they’d rather not deal with the hurt feelings and frustration that competitive games can cause. There are plenty of other areas in kids’ lives where they learn the value of competition and good sportsmanship; it’s not the party giver’s responsibility to reform sore losers.

Older kids (7 and up) can handle races and games with clear winners just fine. For younger guests, try some of these just-as-fun activities:

Treasure hunt Wrap tiny prizes (whistles, candy, small balls) in colored paper: five in blue, five in red, five in yellow and so on. Hide the wrapped prizes around the party room. Give each child a different colored bag and instruct them all to find and collect only the “treasures” wrapped in their matching color.

Circle stories Start off a story with “Once upon a time…” and go around the circle, having each child add a line.

There’s also cupcake or cookie decorating, Twister, charades, bubble popping…and so on. As parents well know, the simplest thing can make the day one to remember.

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Time Out Kids has partnered with Pingg.com to bring you loads of cute (but not too cute) online invitation and thank-you ecards. Click here to get started.

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