Dinner theater

GIRLVANA Take Bitty Baby and enjoy high tea at the fancy American Girl Café.

Photograph by Lane Johnson

Aside from Scores and other high-end “gentlemen’s clubs,” no other New York establishment is quite as evocative of Vegas as the theme restaurant. And while the city is no longer the triple-cherry jackpot of such eateries that it was in its heyday (R.I.P. Television City, 1996–98; Fashion Café, 1995–98; All Star Café, 1995–2000; WWF New York, 1999–2003), there are still plenty of places where life—and lunch—is a cabaret, especially if you’ve got a Benjamin burning a hole in your pocket. Whether they provide edible (much less affordable) offerings is another matter. My eight-year-old daughter, Lulu, and I set out one weekend to discover the answer to that question, and more. Don’t try this with your kid. Really.

Mars 2112

If you’re reading this magazine, chances are you’ve already taken a trip to Mars 2112, one of the best-known (and oldest) theme restaurants in the city.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS The technology behind the 22-seater space shuttle feels a little Epcot-era, but the dimly lit, Star Wars–inspired dining room with cavernous ceilings, red rock walls and huggable life-size alien characters roaming among the tables makes for an interesting meal.

ON THE PLATE The food is better than what the astronauts eat (and no Tang, we’re happy to report). On the other hand, the pricey menu of spring rolls ($8.95), chicken wings ($10.95), burgers ($14.95) and tilapia ($18.95) isn’t really anything worth writing home (or in a magazine) about.

WOW FACTOR You’ll inevitably think it’s dorky, but it’ll impress kids ten and under. Between the constantly-looping videos of Martian skyscapes on the monitors and aliens posing tableside for pictures with youngsters, the entertainment way upstages the meal.

OH, MAN They tell you up front they’ll add the $2.50-per-person “shuttle charge” to your bill, but don’t tell you the exit passes through the gift shop.

CRAP-O-METER Plastic drinking cups, and photos with Empress Glorianna, Captain Orion and QTP.

GOOD FOR Everyone except your easily frightened toddler, or cousin at MIT, who will compare it unfavorably to Battlestar Galactica.

1633 Broadway at 51st St (212-582-2112, mars2112.com).

Jekyll & Hyde Club

At this storied restaurant you’ll find four floors of horror: the Salon (featuring “live” skeleton entertainment), the Library (a balcony with wacky books and creepy portraits), the Laboratory (mostly severed heads) and the Attic (dusty boxes and a second show featuring skeletons). It’s indeed scary, in more ways than one.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS Without giving away too much about the entrance, I’ll just say: Be prepared to stick close together (and cover your ears from screaming children) when you’re first ushered in.

ON THE PLATE Kids 12 and under can order from the kids’ menu ($10.95), which includes a main (grilled cheese, burger, pizza), drink and dessert. For the adult footing the bill, the prices are a little bone-chilling.

WOW FACTOR Sensitive dispositions of some in our party didn’t allow us to stay long enough for our water glasses to be filled, but other guests clearly didn’t want the onslaught of werewolves, gargoyles and disheveled explorers to end.

OH, MAN There is a $2.50-per-person entertainment fee; the only card accepted is American Express.

CRAP-O-METER Souvenir mugs and glasses ($6, + $3 for unlimited refills = $9 for a soda).

GOOD FOR Older kids with loaded parents and an appetite for blood.

1409 Sixth Ave between 57th and 58th Sts (212-541-9505,jekyllandhydeclub.com).

Hard Rock Café

Located smack in the heart of Times Square, the Hard Rock is a good place to nourish yourself while the kids are out screaming for a glimpse of Hilary Duff in front of MTV studios up the street.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS At night, the $11 million electronic marquee gives the feel of a grand entrance. Apart from the wall of guitars, though, the interior is basically just a glorified pub.

ON THE PLATE The food is plain vanilla, with good-quality burgers, decent fries and thick shakes. Portions are plentiful (of the nachos, Lulu said, “This looks like a mountain. Let’s start digging”), and prices reflect the rent the chain must be paying for the prime location.

WOW FACTOR None, unless you’re impressed by the presence of a Gwen Stefani stage get-up and a tuxedo once worn by Elvis.

OH, MAN Actually, there were no surprises, unpleasant or otherwise, here. The popularity of this chain is built on its mainstream predictability.

CRAP-O-METER Don’t get them started! Girls’ and boys’ “Rock Star” T-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies, Barbies and commemorative shot glasses.

GOOD FOR Kids too old for the Wiggles, too young for Green Day.

1501 Broadway at 43rd St (212-343-3355, hardrock.com).

Photograph by Lane Johnson

American Girl Café

“Let’s save the best for last!” Lulu urged when we were putting together our itinerary. Clearly, she’s not alone in loving this destination. Judging from the crush of crowds, there is some kind of universal appeal in a girl getting all dolled up and going out to a nice restaurant.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS The prime location says “Saks Fifth Avenue”; the brown and white stripes on the walls of the café say “Henri Bendel”; and the dolls, thankfully, say nothing (although the din from the other chatting in the dining room can be almost deafening).

ON THE PLATE American Dad is reluctant to say it, but the asparagus quiche wasn’t bad. Other choices on the fixed-price $22 lunch ($24 for dinner) menu include honey-glazed poached salmon salad, herb-crusted chicken breast and a pretty snazzy tic-tac-toe pizza.

WOW FACTOR Considerable. Said a breathless Lulu: “I didn’t eat much. I was too excited.”

OH, MAN Book way in advance, or your American girl may be very disappointed.

CRAP-O-METERYour napkin rings double as souvenir hair scrunchies.

GOOD FOR Girls. American and otherwise.

609 Fifth Ave at 49th St (877-247-5223, americangirlplace.com).

Your kids want to eat:

Mac and cheese | Chicken fingers | Lemonade | French fries | A hot fudge sundae | Tacos | Hot chocolate | Grilled cheese | A milkshake

Patty time! | Table talk | Eat with your hands | Dinner theater