Single Parent Guide

THE DATING GAME

The idea of bunking in the same room as a rowdy toddler or a sullen teen may be less than appealing at best, and horrifying at worst. But the sad reality is that it might not mean much of a lifestyle sacrifice for many single parents, who often struggle to carve out anything remotely worthy of being called a love life. “It’s hard because it takes away from time I could be spending with my daughter,” says Upper West Sider Elizabeth, mom of 18-month-old Maddy. Yet according to Mitchell Milch, a social worker who counsels single parents, making time for dating is healthy and, more often than not, fun, especially after dealing with a traumatic event such as divorce. As every split is unique, parents need to pay close attention to how their kids are dealing. But, says Milch, “after a transition period, single parents need to create a life for themselves and get their own needs met, so they’re the best parents they can be.”

The first step? Just get out there, whether that means accepting social invitations from friends and neighborhood acquaintances or scheduling a regular night when you’ll have a sitter. Trey Ellis, a Columbia University screenwriting professor and the author of Bedtime Stories: Adventures in the Land of Single-Fatherhood (Modern Times, $25), says NYC parents have an advantage: “New York City is the best place to meet people on the planet. The streets are just teeming with interesting people, single and divorced.”

Whether someone is in fact single can be a tricky piece of information to tease out in any setting, especially on the playground; so be up-front about your own single status. Disclosure has its benefits; Ellis says that several of the parents at his kids’ school have offered to set him up with other parents because they know he’s a single dad. Attending one of the city’s many seminars and casual outings designed for single parents is another way to expand your social circle.

And like others in search of a partner, many solo parents are tapping into Internet dating. Building an online profile—whether on a dating website like Match.com or a social networking site like Facebook—can take some of the awkwardness out of disclosing family status, because it’s only one detail on a laundry list of characteristics.

Once you’ve managed to overcome that first hurdle—actually leaving your comfort zone to meet people—the next challenge is introducing a new person into your life. If you both have kids, Milch says, it’s fine to schedule playdates together, as long as the romantic overtones stay in the bedroom and you shield your children from your love life in the beginning stages. When Ellis had a weeklong fling with the mother of one of his daughter’s classmates, they kept things very discreet around the kids. The romance turned out to be brief, but the pair had agreed going into it that their children’s friendship should not be jeopardized no matter what happened. “Things didn’t work out, but it’s not a big deal,” he says. “We’re both adults, and the kids still have playdates.”

Milch advises parents to wait to let romantic involvement show until you are certain (or as certain as you can be) that this person is going to be around for a while. Unfortunately, there’s no clear road map to knowing when the time is right. “You need to get past the honeymoon stage of the relationship, where you are idealizing each other, and be ready to say, ‘This is someone I can love with their limitations,’ ” says Milch. Then introduce the idea that this is your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Kids may come to view their parent’s partner as a friend, so if the relationship ends it can be tough on them. “There’s no question that breakups can be confusing to kids,” Ellis says. His most recent ex, whom he dated for three years, still speaks with his kids on the phone from time to time. “It may not be forever, but for now I see her as an ‘aunt’ to them, like their former nannies who still send them presents.” According to Hertz, it’s uncommon for kids to maintain contact with the partner of a single parent after the relationship has ended. “It can be sad for the kids, but it’s just not practical.”

Milch says that although parents often feel intense guilt about divorce or their inability to provide the two-parent, picket-fence ideal, recent studies show that children with divorced parents generally fare the same as kids with married parents. Divorced parents can also get scared about making the same mistakes with a new partner—and how that will affect their kids. But protecting the children can be an easy excuse for people who are afraid of getting hurt again themselves. A child cannot meet the parent’s need for adult companionship, so don’t let those fears keep you from moving on.

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