Single Parent Guide

IT TAKES A...

“You cannot be a single parent on an island,” says Jane Mattes (presumably speaking figuratively), founder of the organization Single Mothers by Choice and author of a resource book of the same name (Three Rivers Press, $15). “Every single parent needs a village.” Mattes says that whether you buy that village by paying a system of caregivers, or create a support network of friends, family and community groups, enlisting help is the only way you are going to be able to raise a family and keep up a career (and your sanity) without a partner.

Even with extensive support, raising a child, especially on your own, usually requires professional sacrifices. The key is to know what that means in your line of work. It’s certainly easier to hold down a job if you have a more family-friendly career—one that allows you to freelance from home, bring your child to work occasionally or be your own boss. Many single parents cut back professionally when they have children, so often it’s a matter of figuring out what areas you can neglect now and pick up again as your kids get older. “Even if we continue to work full-time, I find we make a set of choices about what we can shift in order to focus on our kids, whether this means cutting back on research, working through lunch or skipping drinks after work,” says sociologist Hertz.

While they are at work, of course, New Yorkers without on-the-job flexibility turn to professional caregivers and, if they’re lucky enough to have them nearby, family members. Kids inevitably get sick, and doctor visits and school meetings will conflict with work schedules. “It’s been great to have my mom and two brothers here because they can pitch in for a second when I’m swamped and the nanny isn’t around,” says Elizabeth.

In addition to soliciting much-needed help with day-to-day tasks, single parents should also seek out moral support and look for other families in similar circumstances. Hertz says that although babies and toddlers are too young to notice your efforts, it’s a good idea to locate such communities early in children’s lives so that they grow up with peers who share their set of circumstances. “This will help them feel like there are other kids out there like them,” says Hertz. But it’s important that your child interacts with kids from all different types of families, so that she learns to appreciate and respect differences.

When there’s no father figure in the picture—if a single woman becomes pregnant through artificial insemination, for example—a child may eventually pose or be confronted with hard-to-answer questions about Daddy. While she was raising her son in the early 1980s on the Upper East Side, Mattes searched for a community of other single mothers by choice. Unable to find a support group, she started her own, which has grown into a worldwide organization. At Single Mothers by Choice meetings—both in-person gatherings and online chats—moms voice everyday concerns and brainstorm ideas that a couple might discuss together, whether it’s how to handle a discipline problem at school or what to do when kids have trouble sleeping.

Many NYC single parents find each other through Internet groups on Yahoo and Meetup.com. Although such get-togethers require a time commitment that some overextended parents are wary of, they can provide an oasis in the midst of a busy schedule. “There were so many programs and events that helped me adjust to motherhood, so after I became separated I thought, there must be programs and events for single parents with young kids, to help me adjust to this life change too,” says Kim Pilson. Last spring, Pilson, a wedding planner, took the initiative and put together a program that she calls NYC Single Parent Hangouts, which meets at bars and restaurants throughout Manhattan.

My first experience meeting other single parents en masse was at one of Pilson’s events. Not knowing what to expect, I begged a shy divorced neighbor to leave her son with my babysitter and come with me. The folks turned out to be devoted parents and successful professionals—a group typical of any I would have met up with prebaby. It was a great relief to ask people openly about their experiences with child support, playground chatter about missing dads, and visits with their exes. And an entire corner of women were gossiping about cheating husbands. In what felt like a tired trope, I’d learned the details of my husband’s affair from his e-mail account. One of the mothers pointed out a woman standing across the room. “While she was pregnant, she hired a private eye to tail her husband. Caught him red-handed,” she said. The woman was blond, beautiful, dressed in a perfectly tailored suit and very thin—in other words, someone I’d normally hate. But on this night I thought she looked like a badass, and I smiled at her because, what can I say: I understood.