Crazy muthas

Members of the Our Time Theatre Company

Illustration: Brendan Leach

As if leading a class of first-graders weren’t hard enough, one Prospect Heights teacher recently found herself breaking up a brawl—between two moms. “Their kids weren’t getting along in class, so the mothers were in the hall outside my classroom, talking trash about each other’s kid,” she recalls. “They were taking off their earrings, ready to fight. I closed the door so my students wouldn’t see, then jumped in the middle of these parents, who were ready to throw down. I pretty much stayed between them until security took the moms away.”

So it goes in New York City, where parents, not children, are the ones many teachers long to put in detention. Though mom-on-mom violence is rare, teachers say, shouting matches are not. Ditto for lies, thoughtless intrusions and diva-style demands that make Naomi Campbell look like Miss Manners.

Wonder if you’ve done something that ticked off your child’s teacher? Check out these peeves from the big desk, ranging from the garden-variety to the jaw-dropping:

• Sending youngsters to school sick “Parents dope up their children on kiddie Tylenol so they’re lethargic for two hours, and then at snack time their noses suddenly erupt in green goo,” says Brett Berk, who ran preschools in the East Village and Park Slope before writing The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting (Three Rivers Press). “You send your kid to school sick, then everyone’s gonna get sick—kids and teachers. Parents say, ‘I didn’t know she was still sick.’ I’m like, ‘Really? She’s got a 103-degree fever.’ ”

• Seeking special favors Not long ago, an Upper East Side mom begged her son’s kindergarten teacher to privately tutor the child in Italian when she was supposed to be teaching math—in English—to the whole class. When the teacher said no, the mom dangled a cash incentive to clinch the deal. (Offer declined.)

• Making insanely involved requests In the West Village, a mom asked her son’s preschool teacher to heat the boy’s pasta at the start of lunch and again midway through, so every bite could be optimally warm. Never mind that the teacher had a roomful of students to oversee.

• Hovering in the classroom “Wanting to be involved in your child’s world 24/7 isn’t healthy for the parent or the child,” says Carmen Fariña, former deputy chancellor of education for New York City, who spent 30 years as a teacher and principal. “If parents are in the classroom all the time, separation is not taking place and the child is not developing. And some teachers feel like they’ve got a spy in the room.”

• Grade grubbing One dad in Fort Washington took this to extremes when he told a fifth-grade teacher that if she didn’t raise his daughter’s grade from a C to a B, he would get her fired.

• Dropping kids off late It disrupts the class and gets your child’s day off to a bumpy start.

• Picking kids up late, without so much as an apology or a heads-up beforehand. “I have a master’s degree. I’m not a babysitter, and I have my own children I have to go home and take care of,” says one Brooklyn preschool teacher who’s had to wait for tardy parents once too often.

• Phoning teachers at all hours with urgent reports of lost book order forms and missing pencils. Try e-mail instead, or (depending on your teacher’s preference) a handwritten note. Better yet, deal with the problem yourself.

• Cornering teachers in the street or supermarket. “They don’t want to have an unplanned conference with you,” says a third-grade teacher in Chinatown. “If I’m going to meet with a parent, I want to make sure I’ve prepared what I want to say in such a way that it’s constructive.”

• Being defensive in scheduled parent-teacher conferences. Instead, try listening, then asking questions like, “How can we help Jordan at home?”

• Letting kids bring forbidden items (toys, cell phones) to school. They inevitably get lost, and teachers don’t appreciate it when you then act as if it’s their responsibility to find them.

• Doing and/or fudging kids’ homework Memo to those of you who pad your son’s reading log with books he never read—his teacher’s probably on to you.

• Demanding homework in advance because your family’s taking a trip. Teachers can’t always plan that far ahead—and they don’t like students working on stuff they haven’t gone over in class yet. So if you must leave town (and teachers wish you wouldn’t), try asking nicely if there’s anything special your kid should study while you’re away.

• Acting all social-climby “I remember a parent wanting her child, a fourth-grader, to be friends with a classmate because she thought that child’s parent had an in with the social milieu of the school,” Fariña says. “The mother kept pushing and pushing, asking the teacher, ‘Couldn’t they sit together?’ She never said, ‘I want to be friends with the child’s mother,’ but we knew what was happening.”

• Letting children dress impractically Berk remembers one East Village mom who (despite her career as a stripper) sent her daughter to preschool in “debilitating costumes.” He says, “We called one her wedding dress—piles and piles of tulle and clear Lucite heels. She also had this crazy mermaid costume with a tail that snapped shut, essentially hobbling her.”

By now, you may be wondering if New York parents ever get school etiquette right. Absolutely, teachers say. Among their favorite things that moms and dads do:

• Volunteering Open-ended offers (“Whatever you need most”) are especially appreciated.

• Helping the less fortunate If your child’s class is taking a field trip, for instance, you might pony up for a classmate who can’t afford it.

• Simply saying “thank you” One of the most important gestures parents can make is to try to find one thing a teacher does right with their child early in the school year and send a note,” Fariña suggests. “By establishing a positive rapport early on, it will be much easier to start a conversation later if there’s something negative you want to discuss.”

Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer and contributing editor at Parenting magazine, is writing books of comic verse for adults and children.