An age-by-age guide to The Big Talk: Sex

Intro | Ages birth to 3 | Ages 4 and 5 | Ages 6 to 8 | Ages 9 to 12

Illustration by Selina Alko

Vulva? It’s the kind of car Grandpa drives.” You laugh, but that answer isn’t miles away from the ones many tots hear when they start throwing around anatomical terms, or asking how babies find their way into and out of Mama’s tummy (a question made even trickier if your kid has two daddies and no mommy).

New York City parents, of course, aren’t the stymied, subject-changing sort. You’re progressive. You’ve heard it all, and participated in an eyebrow-raising array of it. Sexuality doesn’t scare you; you’re rather seduced by this sex-positive idea that’s bandied about—that children can handle it, and will be healthier for it, if the formerly dirty deed and its accompanying caresses and kisses are presented as fulfilling and feel-good, rather than a purely mechanical means of propagating the species. Right?

“Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for,” says Jessica Valenti, the Queens-based founding editor of the blog Feministing and the author of The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women (Seal Press, 2009), for which she interviewed teen girls across the country about their schools’ sex-education programs. “Sexuality is presented through media, pop culture and schools in such a crazy and complex way. I think that starting to talk about sexuality at a young age is, more than anything, about teaching your kids to be critical thinkers.”

Not so, said a slew of conservative politicians and parents in late August, when the United Nations announced it was working on guidelines for schools worldwide, suggesting that sexuality curricula for children begin at age five. The U.N.’s mission is not, of course, to counter negative pop-culture messages or foster liberal attitudes, but to increase early awareness of the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases like HIV. But the outcry, as always, debated whether information helps or hinders hormone-addled young minds.

“The misconception is that information means permission,” says Dr. Laura Berman, a sex educator, researcher and therapist who is a regular on The Oprah Winfrey Show and has a daily talk program on Oprah Radio. Berman raised some hackles last spring when, during a two-part program advising parents on how to discuss sex with their kids, she suggested mothers give their teen daughters vibrators in an effort to “normalize the idea of self-stimulation.” She acknowledges that this tip probably won’t be acted upon by the majority of parents. “I don’t think that’s an across-the-board, must-have practice,” she says. “The important thing is that you as a parent should want to be the primary sex educator of your kids, and that you should continually wrap your own values around the information you present to them.”

If you’re still picturing Red State Christians and feeling grateful that you live in a liberal city where you don’t have to worry about this stuff, think again. In New York City’s public schools, there is currently no standardized curriculum for sex ed—no requirement that teachers educate kids about hygiene, reproduction or STDs. And forget about blurry areas like relationships and gender roles. It’s all on you.

So here you are, faced with awakening toddler curiosity about bodies, or prepubescent pressings about blow jobs and birth control. You want your girls and boys to grow up to be smart, sensitive and satisfied—in every way. But the sex-educator role can come less than naturally to even the most unflappable and loquacious moms and dads. Well, if you’re waiting for “the right moment,” experts say that the best time to get started is…now.

“‘The Talk’ begins at birth,” says Amy Levine, a certified sexuality educator in New York City and the founder of the website SexEdSolutions.com, a resource for parents and teachers. Levine, who regularly leads a free workshop called “Talking with Your Kids About Sex” at the Brooklyn location of the sex-toys-and-solid-advice shop Babeland (visit babeland.com for schedule), wants every parent to understand that long before forming words and sentences, your child is listening and picking up on important ideas about his or her body. That soaking up of values continues throughout early childhood.

Don’t panic—we’re here to help. Time Out Kids spoke to top-notch experts and seasoned New York parents on how to roll out the whole sexuality shebang with your kids through the years. The following action plan covers even the stickiest chapters of the Birds and the Bees; and because children mature on their own schedules, it’s entirely flexible.

Intro | Ages birth to 3 | Ages 4 and 5 | Ages 6 to 8 | Ages 9 to 12

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