Alcohol and Parenting

’Tis the season to be jolly. But with children in the picture, just how jolly should one be, at least in their company? Looking for some clear answers, I put the question to experts and parents around the city.

But first I’ll come clean: I’m not a big drinker. I certainly enjoy the occasional glass of wine, and it has never occurred to me to hide that from my kids. Susan Foster, vice president and director of policy research at the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, agrees that drinking in front of children is okay under some circumstances. “It depends on what behavior you’re modeling,” she says. “If you’re showing that alcohol can be enjoyed with dinner or in a social setting, that can be acceptable.” But she cautions against giving the impression that socializing isn’t fun without alcohol, or that it takes a few drinks for mom and dad to relax.

So, in the spirit of the season, is it all right to get a little tipsy at that family holiday party? Having a drink is fine, Foster says—just don’t overdo it in front of the kids. If they are witness to a little too much merriment, she recommends using the episode as an opportunity to discuss alcohol use and abuse.

And what if your child wants a sip? Last year, when my then-six-year-old asked for a taste of my wine, I gave him one. My theory was that (a) he wouldn’t like it, and (b) letting him sample it would keep it from becoming some intriguing forbidden substance. He liked it.

With my taste-bud theory shot, I sought to bolster the forbidden-fruit angle. But Lawrence Balter, a child psychologist and professor of applied psychology at New York University, discourages letting kids have even a sip. He says that while there isn’t a lot of research on whether letting them try a taste of alcohol has an adverse effect, it’s better to err on the side of caution. “You want to represent the fact that it’s bad for kids to be drinking alcohol,” he says.

Foster also takes the hard line. “The message ought to be that alcohol is not a drink for kids,” she says. “The brain is still developing into the twenties.”

While experts like Foster and Balter frown on children’s sipping, most parents seem fine with it. Those I spoke to were aware of the dangers of regular consumption, but didn’t feel that letting their kids taste wine would lead to bingeing, and had no hesitation about drinking responsibly in front of children.

Dylan Westfeldt, a father of two from Brooklyn, lets his five-year-old have a sip of champagne from time to time. But when his son’s request extended to a gin and tonic, the answer was a definitive no. “He asked if that was because it’s poison,” Westfeldt says, “and I told him it is a kind of poison.”

Across the bridge, I found similar reactions. “Good wine with food is part of our culture and our life,” says Caroline Borderies, a West Village mother of three who hails from France. She sees no problem with drinking a glass of wine in front of children, because at home it’s always associated with a meal and taken in responsible portions. She has let her two older children, ages 12 and 13, taste champagne.

Armed with newfound knowledge, will I celebrate differently now than I did last year? Well, I still plan on eating, drinking and being merry in moderation, but the kids will have to stick with the soft stuff.

Believe it or not, you can begin your kids' alcohol education as early as preschool. Check out the following sites for suggestions: